walking contradiction

Sunday, December 4th, 2005

Time:

2:24 am.

my podcast

Comments: Read 11 or Add Your Own.

Monday, September 12th, 2005

Time:

10:54 pm.

word. update coming soon, once i bulldoze my homework.

Comments: Read 51 or Add Your Own.

Tuesday, September 6th, 2005

Subject:	episode 6. sympathetic / insensitive
Time:	11:44 pm.
Music:	i need you back - ben kweller.

stiff. motionless. can’t move. am i dead? no, i am sleeping underneath a pilates machine. or was. i wake up.

the holes in my brain are gradually increasing, so my memories from this far back are vague. i need to start updating better. my notes about the day say “tickelt/ pants” &i have no idea what the fuck i am talking about. maybe someone got a ticket &had no pants. or maybe i bought pants &won a ticket as a prize. or maybe i got a concert ticket &had on cool pants. we will never know.

i do, however, remember that we did nothing for a majority of the day. i ate elisha’s gnutella &english muffins. she kept hiding gnutella’s chocolate goodness from me, but i kept finding it &eating it. i also remember eating a bowl of cereal. some turkey &cheese. &i think i drank some more alcohol. if this was a reality show, i think they would put it on the food network, because this is of what a majority of my life consists. &television has neither a sleeping channel nor a drugs &alcohol station.

after i eat, naturally, i decide to eat some more. we get ready to go downtown &eat sushi. we get there, but it does not open til’ five so we look around. we go into quiksilver, but there is not really anything appealing. nor do i have sufficient funds to afford anything anyway. in all the stores, on all the streets, at at the buildings, freshman &their parents begin moving into college. in one year, that will be me. new faces, new friends, new enemies, new rumors, new lies, new secrets, new surroundings, new life.

but until then, i am stuck in this life, which is involving large amounts of sushi. i order a roll &some octopus sunomono. the octopus sonomono is fantastic &i order some more as i scrape for money from my debit card. after sushi, we go to cold stone. i did not think it was possible for my stomach to expand this far, but it is true. i should cambodia several children from africa &have them live inside it. &then give them mohawks.

we go back to elisha’s apartment. before we walk in, taylor feels the need to knock on a random family’s door. as taylor &elisha are upstairs &simon &i are walking up the stairs, the door flies open &they lady screams “do you want something?! are you just gonna keep knocking on my door!? do you want something!?” i just do that thing where i tilt my head to the side &am like ‘wha.. oh em gee.” we continue upstairs into elisha’s apartment. suddenly, someone knocks on the door. i scream, but simon puts his hand over my mouth. it’s the lady &her husband from down below.

elisha freaks out &runs into her room. we look into the peephole. they are both furious. “this is outrageous, i am going to call the cops,” she screams. they knock again. we step back &don’t make a sound. “what is the landlord’s number?” she yells. we step into elisha’s room &close the door hoping it will drown out the sounds of the enraged woman.

“FUCK. i just moved in here &i already have enemies,” elisha says. “oops,” responds taylor not taking responsibility for what she did. the phone rings &we all jump. it’s her mother. elisha proceeds to tell her mom the events. “girl, take me off speakerphone &let me talk to you in private,” said her mother in that calm, you know you are fucked tone. elisha starts to cry as you can hear soundbytes of “you are living by yourself, you need to be responsible, this is unacceptable, you need to take responsibility for your guests.” elisha walks out of the room.

“is it bad that i don’t really care?” says the ever so remorseful taylor. i, on the other hand, have a soul &attempt to comfort elisha. “i need to go down there &say something. but i can’t bring myself to do it” says elisha who has enormous social dependency &insecurity problems. before she was sixteen, she got chin &cheek implants &a nose job. she was bulimic for two years &receives therapy daily. next time i am feeling self-conscious about my love handles, all i have to do is remember there are so many people that have issues worse than mine.

“taylor, i do not care what you think, but this is our fault, so we really need to make this right again &go downstairs &apologize.” i said. “but i don’t want to!” replies taylor. “well, we did this &we can not ruin elisha’s relationship with the neighbors!” i said. i turned to elisha &told her “don’t worry, we’re gonna fix this.” see, i am a nice person. sometimes.

i pulled taylor’s arm &brought her outside. “shit, i really do not want to do this,” i said. “well fuck, neither do i!” she responded. “okay, you talk. this is your fault.” “no, you! this was your idea.” we both were reluctant to initiate any conversation with the neighbors below. “okay! i will pay you five dollars if you talk” taylor desperately said. “thirty,” i responded. “eighty,” she snapped back. “twenty-five.” “ten.” “twenty or bust.” “fine. fine. i’ll give you twenty if you do it.”

i went downstairs. i repeated what i was going to say over &over in my head. my heart was pounding as if it was trying to escape my body. the atriums were crowded. the vessels were busting. the blood was overflowing. the hand was knocking. the door was opening.

a handsome older man in his thirties opens the door. “hello?” “hey, we are from above &we just wanted to apologize for knocking on your door &we did not mean anything by it,” i said barely mustering the courage to speak. “oh ok. why did you guys do it?” taylor pipes in, “we were just being immature.” “well it was pretty big of you guys to come down here &say that.” he sincerely says before he calls his wife over. she frantically says, “are y’all responsible for the knocking last night at eleven thirty?” yes. “no.” i said. “oh ok, because we just moved in here &we felt like we were being harassed with last night &now today.” she said. “oh, well, my friend moved in here recently too &she does not want any trouble either. she is actually very nice. you should be friends.” i said. “okay, well we filed a complaint against her &there will be someone coming to her tomorrow to talk to her about it. i just wished y’all had opened the door.” “oh okay, we apologize. we had nothing to do with last night. i can not believe anyone would knock on your door so late.” “alright, well just tell them that &everything should be fine!” “alright, once again, we apologize!” they shut the door &i realize things could have been a lot worse. such as her parents pulling into the parking lot. taylor &i make a dash for the upstairs.

we bust open the door &tell elisha. just in time to look natural as her parents casually walk in with three dogs &their daughter. what appears to be an alien is actually elisha’s mom who clearly gets botox like i eat cereal. which is a lot. what appears to be a fucking psycho is actually elisha’s sister who clearly needs ritalin like a scientologist with adhd. they are actually very friendly. we socialize with them &help them move some things into the apartment. i play with one of their puppies, which is the cutest thing in the whole wide world.

elisha’s family goes out to dinner. i walk into the bathroom &see a scale. i casually step on it &then i realize that in the past five days i have gained five pounds. that is like twenty bowls of cereal, three turkeys, fifteen blocks of cheese, two jars of jam, a few containers of gnutella &then some. so i decide that we should go to the grocery store.

TURKEY!

as i walk in, it is like the heavenly angels are singing hymns just to me. but really, they are sirens trying to make me fat. i immediately go to the cheese aisle &purchse a bag of cheese cubes. simon is fascinating with the food selection &how large portions are. elisha buys more gnutella. taylor gets two tic-tac’s &announces her new tic-tac diet. i tell her i will join her. tomorrow. after i eat as much food as possible. one time, my sister went on a gum &water diet &lost a ton of weight. as well as health. but to look like lindsay lohan, it is worth it. face it, we are all trying to achieve skeletal perfection. man or woman, secure or insecure, everyone has the voice inside of their head telling them that they can be thinner. hotter. better. it is just a matter of confidence &will-power that you act upon it. &like it or not, many people can not resist the alluring perspective of being just like the model on the high-fashion magazine. &like it or not, many people can not resist the pizza &ranch dressing on the office table sitting right next to that model on the high-fashion magazine. &like it or not, many people can not resist watching a television show about how that model on the high-fashion magazine threw up her meal of pizza &ranch dressing rather than working out. &like it or not, america is fat. &it is all your fault.

throughout middle school, i struggled with manorexia. i could sustain not eating for long amounts of time. but when the time came, i would overindulge myself &eat anything it sight. ketchip.. pickles. thin mints. cheese. chocolate. bread. ramen noodles. raw. in school, i was a huge loser &i wanted to be just like the guys in gym who could run a mile without seeing their life flash pass their eyes. i wanted not to have to buy shorts that said husky. rotund. zaftig. it was not until i joined the football team when i lost weight. i was a defensive lineman. i did not understand the sport. i thought the x’s &o’s were hugs &kisses. i just hit people. hard. &the pounds shed. hard. &then i became hard. lean. mean. when i entered high school, i quit football &started cross-country, because it was easier. i still eat a lot, but my metabolism keeps me from ballooning. &i learned that getting fit was about exercise, not starving yourself. but, i still have the insecurities that come with being a fat kid. i just learned how to swim, because i was so scared to take off my shirt. i act out now, because i was so introverted. i fish for compliments, because i was deprived of them when i was younger. i am an asshole, because i had no room to talk back then.

yet, you would think i would empathize with overweight people. but i do not. along with all the pounds, i shed sympathy. understanding. compassion. consideration. for some reason, i have intense contempt for them. for their laziness. for their overeating. for ruining america on their fat asses. sympathy escapes me like the thought of exercising escapes them. sure, some of them can not help it. maybe they are a paraplegic. or have a thyroid problem. but a lot of them can. no, by staying fat, you are not embracing your individuality. you are embracing lifelong health problems &an early death. &like it or not, america is fat &it is all your fault.

we come back from the grocery store &watch how to lose a guy in ten days, which is one of the only chick flicks i like. i fall asleep with an empty plate of melted cheese cubes in my hand that i ate in twenty minutes. it falls to the ground. hard. i am skinny, but chunky.

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Sunday, September 4th, 2005

Subject:	episode 5. addiction / independent
Time:	3:33 am.
Music:	unfoolish - ashanti (feat. biggie).

i wake up. do i brush my teeth? no. do i get in the shower? no. do i put on some clothes? no. i get up &go to the refridgerator &make myself another mixed drink of vodka &peach berry juice. fitting with the motif of fuzzy fruit, i cut up nectarines &peaches &put them in a cup. then i pour vodka in it. i let it soak so i can have a fun snack for later in the day.

i look over the counter to see taylor on the floor. “what? it’s more comfortable than the fucking air mattress.” she groggily said. her &simon got zero sleep. this should be fun. taylor makes scrambled eggs while we take turns taking showers. i put cheese in mine &they are really good. eating is starting to overtake destructive activity as my number one pastime with music &masturbating close at third &fourth respectively.

i make mixed drinks for everyone &we all sit on the couch &chill. “what are you guys doing?” elisha says as she walks in the door after taking colby back to the airport. “drinking some juice.” we reply. “oh that’s cool! ooh, peaches! these are so good, aren’t they?” she says as she reaches for one. “oh dear god, what kind of peaches are these.” she screams after she eats one. “alex peaches.” i say. “wait. is that vodka in your juice.” she questions me. “maybe.” “shit guys, i just bought that yesterday!” she says as she holds up a nearly empty handle of vodka. move over kato kaelin, i am the best houseguest ever.

after eggs &liquor, everyone gets ready to go around town. we hop in elisha’s car &she drives us downtown. i get out of the car &then i proceed to melt. on both accounts that i am a witch &it is hot as balls. we go to the open market &look around. it’s a bunch of arts &crafts. it kind of sucks, but everyone you went you would see black women &their children lining the walls making bamboo baskets. &that made my entire day.

elisha bought three charms for her bracelet. it’s the first time i’ve seen anything like it, but you get this metal bracelet with black metal brackets on it. &then you go around &buy metal charms for it. for example, if you were from florida, you could get a gator. or if you are really gay, you could get one that says shopaholic. i don’t know, but i was fascinated by this.

afterwards, we ate a little diner. we took some old ladies’ table. but that is what she gets for not inviting me to her bridge game. i have a reuben &sourkraut has never tasted so good.

we go to the shopping district. i do not really like to shop unless i have money &then i usually do not like to shop either. but we go into lacoste. basically, they had polos in every single color &then they charged eighty-five dollars because it had an alligator on it. nevertheless, they are still one of my favorite brands. they had a really nice, vintage jacket that i wanted to steal, but i don’t think anyone would believe that i am pregnant. we went into lucky brand. &new rock &roll lucky brand blows. i prefer cowboy lucky brand, hippie lucky brand &abercrombie lucky brand. we go into some girl stores &i forget the names to those. but i’m sure everything in there was turquoise &had little sequins on it or had witty t-shirts that said things such as “shh. i’m not a virgin.”

we go back to elisha’s apartment. i eat some more food &take my peaches out of the refrigerators. i eat a few of them &it tastes magical. we all decide to get in our bathing suits &go to the pool to swim off the heat. i just learned how to swim so i show off my rad swimming moves. unfortunately, i look like a drowning monkey. we play marco polo &the spinny game! if you do not know what the spinny game is, then refer to here

we return to the apartment &then proceed to pass out. after my nap, i wake up to thunder. it was like music to my ears. until her fucking dog begins to bark. i swear that thing is so ugly, although her &i became pretty attached by the end of the trip

through experience with my girlfriends, i have come to learn that girls take at least an hour to get ready. so to pass the time, simon &i make some more mixed drinks. we take the peaches, the vodka from the peaches, some peach berry juice &ice &make a smoothie. i’ll take some alcoholism, hold the rehab.

we go to joe pasta in downtown charleston &eat dinner. i had some pasta salad. it was mediocre for the price. we talk about moving in together next year. the college is beautiful. the town is beautiful. the people are beautiful. in fact, i wish instead of those 365 best college books, they would make a hottest people college book. it could rank hotness by your type. like virginia commonwealth university might rank high among hot scenesters, while university of virgnia would get a top hot prep ranking. mary washington would tear up the hot hippies category. it could have fun contour maps with colors corresponding to hotness, as well. hm, this is almost as shallow as the time i wanted to go to a college with the school colors of blue &green, because most of my clothes can match that. but, i’ll take the college of charleston, hold the eye-gouging price.

after dinner, we walk around town waiting for jon to call us. looking at the hospitality, charm &ambience of charleston, i realize how much i love the south. for as much as i complain about where i live &wanting to move to a big city, i love it here. &no matter how many skyscrapers i reside in or trendy condominiums i move into, virginia will always be my home.

jon calls us &we go over to his house. it is in the complete ghetto, but it’s really nice inside. for only six twenty five a month per person, it’s a pretty good deal too. we go onto the porch a sit for a while chainsmoking. afterwards, we go inside to his room &smoke a few bowls while listening to the awesome song that mixes biggie &frank sinatra. we go back outside &taylor looks like she’s about to die. she whispers in my ears, “maybe i shouldn’t have smoked pot right after doing coke.” while taylor is keeling over, a few drunk college girls walk in screaming, “oh my god! i knocked on her door &the window broke, so we, like, put a rock inside &told the landlord that someone threw it at the house!!” i’ll take the college of charleston, hold the idiocy.

we go downstairs &there are a bunch of people in the living room including doren, donnelly’s brother! we all chill &jon gives taylor and i pot rice krispee treats. i do not know who thought of that, but they are amazing. it’s my two favorite things mixed together in the whole wide world, pot &food. ingenious. taylor does not want hers, so i eat hers too.

naturally, we decide to go to wendy’s after everyone leaves jon’s to go to a bar. i feel bad because i am seventeen, so none of us can go. or maybe i feel bad because i just ate two pot rice krispee treats with loaded amounts of butter. i eat a junior bacon cheeseburger &it is the best junior bacon cheeseburger, i have ever had. while on the way back home, taylor &i do some coke. i sniff it out of her long fingernails. this could be one of the lowest points in my life. i’ll take drug addiction, put the memory alteration, learning disabilities, uleceration of the mucous membranes of the nose, coughing, shortness of breathe, severe chest pains with lung trauma &bleeding, constricted peripheral blood vessels, dilated pupils &increased temperature, heart rate &blood pressure on the side.

some different people come over &we go with them to some party at this guy’s house. there are an incredibly large amount of people there. “OH MY GOD. IT IS SO GREAT TO SEE YOU!” girls scream across the room to each other even though they saw each other yesterday. i hate that. we decide to leave that scene &go back to elisha’s.

at elisha’s, i drink a lot. elisha drunk dials.

simon &taylor make out.

&i get naked &dance.

then i pass out under her pilates machine. i am comfortable, but numb.

yoooo, sorry i am so behind in entries. i will try &catch up, but they probably won’t be as in depth as these until i am totally up to date.

Comments: Read 16 or Add Your Own.

Thursday, August 25th, 2005

Subject:	episode 4. bright / foolish
Time:	5:33 am.
Music:	by your side - sade.

i woke up that wednesday morning in a whirlwind to get everything done. i showered in a frenzy. i made my bed in a frenzy. i ironed my clothes in a frenzy. &then i proceeded to burn myself through the frenzy. not as bad, as the time when i forgot you can’t iron nylon &my fun shorts melted. &then i burnt my entire wrist in shock.

i hate packing for trips because its tough picking out clothes, because i am self-conscious about meeting new people &how they will judge me based on my wardrobe. i am insecure like that. i don’t want to wear a aqua lacoste shirt with my peach shorts &turquoise boat shoes &have strangers look at me like “what the fuck.” nor do i want to rock my jeans &white tees &have strangers not even look at me. after awhile, i managed to pack my life neatly into a business-sized travel suitcase.

i walked out of the door &greeted ms. taylor with a huge hug.

flashback to the time, taylor &i hung out all day. we had a picnic on the beach of mcdonalds &cheese &crackers. it was in a cute basket &everything. she went to get some superior in the car &she came back &seagulls were attempting to eat me as i screamed bloody murder. we ran off to fort fun, a gigantic playground which is my favorite place in the whole wide world. we swung on the swings. we slid down the slides. then we crawled up them again. i have the heart of a child after that, we went back to my house. we laid in my bed watching the disney channel while spooning. i thought it to be all in good nature until she stuck her tongue down my throat. do i push her away? no, this is the most action i’ve gotten in awhile. i have the emotional dependency of a teenager. but i hate a majority of the gay people in the world. i do not suck dick. nothing is going up my butt. i hate barbra streisand. &i do not know what lamp goes with that wall paper. so i say to myself. “wouldn’t that be cool if i was straight.” so i gave it a go. if i was going to do this, i might as well do this right. i have the common sense of a twentysomething. we made out for about an hour. the entire time i tried to get it up. but my penis was not having it despite that i was trying so hard. no pun intended. your life is like a puzzle. if the piece is meant to fit, it should smoothly interconnect with the other parts. if it isn’t mean to go there, the pieces won’t link no matter what effort you put into it. i have the philosophical brain capacity of an old man.

her &i never have spoken of that night after that. it was like an out of body experience &part of me still has trouble believing it ever happened.

taylor

after i see taylor for the first time in about a month, i meet her boyfriend. i was expecting a jock, prep type, but i got an unexpected surprise. he was this skinny, european guy named simon. he was born in germany, lives in france, met taylor in the dominican republic &is in america til the thirty-first. he is incredibly wealthy. &he is incredible cool. he is also kind of gay, but then again so are most europeans. five minutes with the two of these people, my insecurities about going on this vacation vanish.

unfortunately, five minutes later, my caution about going on this vacation did not vanish. we were only a few streets away from my house when taylor hit the curb &her hubcap fell off. she pulled over in the street &i ran &got it, while i was on the phone with clueless elisha trying to get directions. “so get on 64, then get on 664, then at the end of that get on…” “i’m getting the hubcap!” “what.” “i am getting the hubcap! i have to get the hubcap!” “what are you talking about?” “hubcap! i need to get it. i am going to get it right now. i am getting it!” “oh dear god.” idiocy. welcome to america.

i retrieved the hubcap &came back to the car to see a policeman reprimanding taylor for pulling over in the middle of the street. “we do not have good luck with the police, do we?” said taylor.

flashback to a month ago. it was one in the morning &my friends had left after a fun night of drinking. i get a text message from taylor lane to come outside. it’s past my curfew so i decide to do something i’ve never done before &i jumped out my window. i am such a rebel.

i ran into my neighbor’s yard &through their driveway &i hopped into elisha’s car. we made a quick getaway &rolled around the town. we listened to jimmy buffet, sipped on beers &chain smoked. after a quick cigarette run, i suggested that we should go to the beach. we went to riverside beach, a private beach for residents of the area. although i am a resident, it closes after sunset. despite that, people come down to party &smoke all the time. when i ran away from home, i slept in the gazebo there. we laid in the sand. we drank on the sand. we smoked on the sand. we danced on the sand. my toes let the sand run between them ¬hing feels better than that. except more alcohol.

after chugging a few more beers, we play on a grounded sailboat. we all spoon as we lay on the deserted boat. we talk about the future. good friends. good conversation. good setting. it’s magical. as we lounge on the boat discussing what lies ahead, we see a flashlight. oh fuck. it’s the popo.

“what the hell are you kids doing?” says the older policeman. “we are just lying on the beach.” we all say with apprehension towards the current situation. “you know this beach is closed, right?” thank god, i am with two hot girls. “no, sir, we sure did not! we will leave if you want!” “wait, a second? is that beer?” replies the policeman, not falling for their act. i panic &hide one of the bottles in taylor’s purse. “why did you just try &trash that beer, son?” “what. huh.” i replied back. “i saw you just try &throw that beer away.” “oh, i just didn’t want you to think it was ours. we haven’t been drinking.” “sure. if i gave you all a breathalyser test, would you pass?” “yes” no.

“so how old are y’all?” the policeman continued in his questioning. “eighteen” replied both elisha &taylor. “eighteen” i lied. “can i see all of your id’s?” the two girls proceeded to hand him identification. “i don’t have mine.” i said. “where is it?” “at home” “where’s home?” “around.” “well obviously, but where.” “around this neighborhood.” “hmm…” i was peeing in my pants that he might make me go home &get it.

“so whose beer is this?” he continued. “it this girl’s. ashley. we don’t know how she got it.” craftily replied taylor. “why the hell would she leave her beer with y’all?” “she left with her boyfriend because she had to be home” she continued with her alibi. more like alilie. that was bad, i know.

“you know i’ve been in this field for longer than you kids have been alive. i know beer when i see it. in fact, i have some in my fridge right now. i could bust you for underage drinking, trespassing, violating personal property &several other violations. i catch kids down here all the time, but i’m going to let y’all of with a warning. because you clearly aren’t completely intoxicated. just next time, a policeman asks you something, answer honestly. i wasn’t born yesterday.” yes, you were. our incredibly drunk asses then drove ourselves back to my house where i snuck back inside my window &went about my night like nothing happened.

so after five minutes, we have already had an accident. this does not pan well for the rest of the trip. we begin our descent into lung cancer by smoking. taylor smokes everyday, usually. simon is fucking smoky the bear. &i do it either when i have been drinking or if i’m with taylor. i know it’s bad for you, but damn don’t i look cool.

we go to elisha’s house to pick up a few items to move into her apartment. she has the nicest house i have ever seen. she has a pool &five birds &two puppies. after that, we go by the gas station to fill up. it’s $2.56 a gallon down here. i remember when my step-sister was telling me that in 1999, it was only 99 cents a gallon. if i had a time machine, i would go back to 1999 &stockpile on gas &then sell it now. nevermind, if i had a time machine, i would discover gas &then be the richest man in the whole wide world.

my directions are dodgy, because i do not have a very good sense of direction. i still have to extend my fingers into an l-shape when attempting to figure out left or right. i also have note cards taped on my cards. we get lost in norfolk &taylor gets really mad. “dammit, i hate being lost! fucking elisha. i can’t take this. i need some drugs. do you want any, alex?” she said. “pot?” i replied. “no.” she said as she handed me a bag of cocaine.

i’ve never actually seen cocaine in real life before. it looks so non-threatening. i know the effects of it &what it can do to you. but it doesn’t take but a split second, before i agree to it. because i try everything once! i put some on my gums. it hit me like novocaine &my mouth &tongue went numb. i snorted some bumps. everything started getting really bright. i had to put my sunglasses on. it didn’t help. everything was like a giant light. i turned pale. my arms went numb. i began to sweat profusely. i was sure i was going to die. i drank some water &after a few minutes my eyesight went back to normal. as he turned his head to me &grinned, simon said “your first trip is always the worst.”

taylor went in to get proper directions &came back. she told me to take over driving. no one ever asks me to drive, because i am perhaps the worst driver in the world. yet, throughout the seven hour drive, i don’t mind it as much. it gave me something to do &was soothing. just me, my friends, music &the open road. billboards are also fun to read. we see one for mcdonalds &simon marvels at the size of our burgers. he has never had a super size meal. at the same time, he has never seen so many overweight people. obesity. welcome to america.

one of the billboards catches our eye. it says “j.r. outlets! biggest in carolina!” “i’ve heard that j.r. is supposed to be pretty good.” taylor said. we can afford to make a pit stop, we are in no rush. for the first time in my entire life, i’ve driven outside of the state. &right after the north carolina border, we pull into the gigantic parking lot of j.r.’s. right next to it, is the dollar deluxe which promotes itself as one of the largest dollar stores in america. congratulations.

we go inside j.r. &it is not nice at all. it is possibly the most disgusting place i have ever been. everywhere you looked was white trash. no. this wasn’t white trash. this was a white dumpster. we gravitate to the clothes. i put on leather boots, a leather vest &a leather hat. i look fly, indeed. i then put on camouflage overalls. i then sterilize myself to get all the hick off me. trailer trash. welcome to america.

after we have our laughs, we get back on the road. night time strikes &i get tired of driving so taylor takes over driving. elisha’s directions past the interstate make zero sense. “ok, so you want to get into the right lane. but not the right lane. the right middle lane. &then you go for a little bit &you want to stay to the left, but not all the way to the left. &then you will see a green sign &you will want to go past that. &then you will see a connector. you don’t want to go through the connector, you want to go pass it.” i speak english fluently. i could get by in spanish. but i do not speak fucking retarded bitch.

safe to say, we get lost. not just anywhere though. in the complete ghetto. black people begin to circle us in their bikes. we hear a gunshot. gangs congregate around the car. coke doesn’t seem so bad anymore.

one of the buildings in this part of town. this is not even the worst.

to add insult onto injury, every road into town is flooded. taylor is downright pissed the fuck off now &she will have none of elisha. “i don’t even want to see that dumb bitch right now. does she not understand that there is no means of getting there every road is fucking flooded. i swear i am just going to get a hotel.” she says as our car begins to get stuck in the flood. we manage to make it out of the flood &onto the main road. we take the interstate to the proper exit. yet, when we get there, traffic is at a standstill. i get out of the car to investigate things, much to taylor &simon’s dismay. this is the part of the movie where i die.

i find out a van is stuck in the wayer &we may be there awhile. simon, taylor &i begin to furiously chain smoke. elisha calls “where are you!?!” “we are in the ghetto &there are a lot of black people!!” i shout. simon &taylor laugh as two black women walk by. disclaimer: i am in no way racist. in fact, i love black women more than life itself. i just make lots of sweeping generalizations.

simon, taylor &i

the road clears up &we park at a piggly-wiggly waiting for elisha to come pick us up. we do some more coke, although it isn’t as strong as the first time. parked next to us is some guy. i love to talk to strangers so taylor &i throw pretzels at his car. the man in the car’s name is neil. he went to the college of charleston before he dropped out for his band. he did 4 grams of coke by himself &was in a coma for two days. he is a real winner, clearly. so naturally, we get his number in case we need someone to hook us up with shit.

elisha picks us up &we go back to her place. all of us are incredibly tired. her friend, colby, is there &the five of us chill. i drink vodka &peach berry juice. lots of it. we do not tell elisha, we did coke. she would never talk to me again. neither would any of my friends. i don’t know why though. cocaine. alcohol. pot. food. television. they’re all the same. they’re all means of getting away from it all. they’re all means to dull the pain. i go to bed. i am restless, but weary

Comments: Read 49 or Add Your Own.

Wednesday, August 24th, 2005

Subject:	episode 3. munificent / stingy
Time:	4:53 am.
Music:	knock, knock - monica (feat. missy elliott).

it’s a monday morning. or a tuesday. or a wednesday. it’s summer, who the fuck knows the weekday. the fact of the matter is that i am tired as fuck. i barely am able to open my eyes but i see a suitcase with clothes thrown in it. i am not nearly packed. i see a clock with the time on it. i am not nearly awake enough to care that i am not nearly packed. my head hits the pillow again. hard.

the next time i wake up its to a phone call from taylor. “hey, my mom says its thundering &raining real bad down there so she doesn’t want us to go til tomorrow.” thank fucking god. with the trip to charleston delayed, i finally have more time. to pack? no. to read three books &write a paper by school? hell no. to lay in bed? fuck yeah.

i watch something on vh1. i have no idea what it was, because the shows on that channel are like drunken nights. you watch them &they are lots of fun, but later on you have no idea what the fuck it was about. my guess is it was about celebrities. &probably had nothing to do with music.

i also watch kathy griffin’s new show on bravo. the d-list is actually quite good. although i don’t like how she undermines her celebrity status (which i think is a little better than the d-list), she is very funny. &very desperate. whether its housewives or comedians, that always makes for good television. it’s also good to see that celebrities regift, they look like shit in the morning &they fail. in griffin’s case – a lot. because in the end, we’re all human. except when we gain five pounds its not on the cover of every magazine in the united states.

i caught up on my new favorite show, the comeback with lisa kudrow. the show follows valerie cherish as she attempts to revamp her career as a television actress. the shows moments of discomfort &humiliation are what makes the show so funny &unique from the other shit on television. lisa kudrow also proves that she is the most talented member of friends. her versatility makes it easy for her to breakaway from the flakiness that typecast phoebe in the show. she has additionally proven herself in wonderland, the opposite of sex, analyze this &romy &michelle’s high school reunion.

errands

after i manage to get myself out of bed around three o’clock, i begin on an overwhelming amount of chores. well only like three, but today was uninteresting so i feel the need to exaggerate my actions.

i head towards the bank with dashboard confessional blaring from my speakers. sarah accidentally spilt water on my ipod, so its still in the shop for another three weeks. it was like losing a family member. &then a few days ago someone stole my two hundred plus cd collection from my car. it’s okay, because i have all of them in my computer, but i only have about eight cd’s for my car until my ipod gets back. so dashboard, the shins, white stripes, tlc, get up kids &mae are going to get some heavy rotation. at the bank, i cash my pay check from subway. it was about sixty-one dollars, but i took out twenty so i could pay sarah for pot &lunch. all of my money goes to drugs &food. i am sad.

my car has not been washed and vacuumed professionally since i got it in march. the outside has lots of bird poop &the inside is covered in crunched pringles &all these flowers that flew into my car when i left my window down. i let them have at the car &went inside and continued reading cold mountain. i looked at the same word for ten minutes &then i came to the conclusion that i am not reading neither this book nor the odyssey. thus, i decided to go to barnes &noble after the carwash. they flagged me down when my car was done &i tipped them two dollars. if my audience learns anything, learn this. besides wearing sunscreen. always remember to tip. at least fifteen percent, although twenty is the best. your carwash, your hotel, your airport, your restaurant, your taxi cab driver, your pizza delivery person, your bar tender. if you do not tip, you will have bad karma &probably die.

my car no longer looks like a dumpster, so i head over to sarah’s pool. i laid out with her for a little bit, while she neglected her duty as a lifeguard. but it’s as hot as queen latifah which is pretty damn hot, so i give her my drug money &bust. i head over to barnes &noble for a little bit. i pick up the sparknotes for the odyssey &cold mountain. i go to the starbucks café there &order my regular. grande tazo chai crème. i don’t drink coffee or coffee based products because they stunt your growth &i don’t want to take my chances at being this short for life. i sit at my hipster table at the hipster café with my hipster drink &read my sparknotes. whoever invented sparknotes is beautiful &i love you. both books seem quite interesting if i had the time or the desire to read them. yet, in reading the plot summaries i realized that they barely have anything in common except for the fact that frazier is attempting to transpose odysseus’ journey back to penelope into the civil war era. other than that, i do not know how i will compare the two, other than the fact that both have the letter o in them.

me &caroline at barnes &noble

after the bookstore, i go back home. &it starts to pour.

love

flashback to a rainy night a year ago. david had just broken up with me. the next day i had to see him at a birthday party for a friend. it’s their birthday &i can cry if i want to. which i proceeded to do after he left. it was pathetic. but not as pathetic as what i did five minutes later.

whenever you are broken up with, first you just sit there &don’t believe whats happening. it doesn’t settle in for about 10 minutes when your heart hits the ground like a anvil on wil e. coyote. after that, it’s pure disbelief. i remember my response to his im. “ok, i feel sick. bye.” i walked off into the living room &burst into tears. i then proceeded to call all of my friends &stick my sob story to whoever would listen. this is when the next step set in. no. the nile is not just a river. part of me hoped that one of his friends would tell how bad he hurt me. &he would feel bad &realize his mistake &take me back in his strong piano hands. that wasn’t enough for me. i had to take it a step further.

my romantic intentions got the best of my brain. brain – “no. no. don’t put yourself out there like this. if he wants you back, he will figure out a way. he let you go &he will have to get you back. heart – “OH MY GOD, I AM SO EMO!” &then that son of a bitch had a wonderful but terrible idea. what? don’t your organ talk too?

cheer up, emo kid

my heart said, “i know what will totally sweep him off his feet &into your arms. if you wrote him a really romantic long letter that expressed your feelings. then he will like you again for sure.” great idea! just like the time, you told me to say “i love you” to skylar &the time you said “sure make out with a guy who is dating somebody already!” my heart is like that devil on your shoulder that tells you prostitution is okay, no one will find out that you just killed that guy &there’s nothing wrong with liking ashlee simpson!

now, it’s been well over a year since i penned that letter, but i will recall what i can. keep in mind, it was four pages. front &back. yah, i’m that crazy stalker ex-boyfriend. fuck you. “i know it’s only been like a day, but it’s been really hard for me &i could never confront you, so i figure it’s best i get all of my emotions out in a letter. i’m old fashioned like that. i just don’t want to walk away from this relationship knowing that i didn’t try to make you see how i really felt. god, i feel like rachel in that episode where she writes that huge letter to ross” friends was his favorite television show. “i take partial blame for our demise. we went three weeks without much communication. you were in california &i was at outward bound. &we were both really busy. but up until then, we were doing just fine &i don’t understand why it has to end now. i thought we were good together. i thought you said you could fall in love with me. i thought you promised that you would never break my heart. things don’t have to change, david. i know this wasn’t the only factor in our break-up. i know that you still aren’t over your last boyfriend. being with someone for two years is a long time, but you were almost over him. &onto me. i can help you, david.” no, i can’t. i’m worthless. “i like someone not despite their flaws. but for them. i like your acne. i like your jean shorts. i like that mole on your left leg. i like your crooked middle finger. i don’t love you, but i know i like you. a lot. this could be it for us. we could still be friends. but just know that if you want to reconcile. i’m here. &i will always be here for you. waiting.” or something like that.

imagine that. but four pages. not double-spaced. so i took my cliché-ridden letter &taped it inside the two-month anniversary present i never got to give him. i handed it to him at the birthday party. i could barely look him in the eyes &walked away as fast as possible.

that night, it rained. i remember one of our conversations a month earlier. “i think kissing in the rain is so romantic. i think it would be awesome if my significant other pulled up at my house &surprised me in the rain. &then we locked lips for an eternity.” he replied, “you might just get your wish one day.” i don’t know what i was thinking when i handed him that letter. but that night, he didn’t drive to my house. he didn’t tearfully apologize for his wrongdoings. he didn’t take me in his arms. he didn’t kiss me in the rain. he im-ed me &said “let’s just be friends for now.”

i’ve matured a lot since then. &i will never put myself out there like i had. ever.

the rain continued. it began to thunder. &lighting. i love storms. i love dancing in storms. i love kissing in storms. i love swimming in storms. &i love the smell after the storms.

friends

later that night, ashley called me. the past few nights, her &i have been really lazy. so we wanted to continue that trend &watch a movie at her house. what else? her favorite. the notebook. i must have seen it at least ten times now. it doesn’t bring either of us to tears or anything, but we like to get out of our own world for awhile &imagine an epic romance like this. &what it would be like if it happened to us.

i drove over to her house in the rain &ran inside. tommy &airen were downstairs making out before he goes to college. i miss airen. she’s the twin i’ve always been closest with, but with her boyfriend, we haven’t been able to hang out as much as we usually do, although we see each other everyday. ashley &i pop in the movie. except, we have an edited version of the movie where we skip over all the old people parts because we hate old people. i still don’t know what happens during those parts. but during the movie, both of us get into a trance. five seconds later, i’m out of it. because shit like the notebook does not exist.

after the movie, ashley &i go outside to the pool. to our dismay, it isn’t raining anymore, so we can’t go swimming while the rain pours on us. but we dip our feet in the water &talk about our respective relationship issues. well, i do not have any, so she talked about her relationship issues. she likes this guy, alex. he is emo &she loves him. he recently moved out of virginia &to new york though. he has no future. he does lots of drugs. &they get in fights all the time. but she loves it, because she loves fighting. i don’t know why, because sometimes she makes me cry because i do not last long in fights. she always gets jealous whenever he mentions any girl in his away message or sees a girl comment on his myspace. but in the end, he always calls her &tells her that she is the one &he loves her. they don’t date. they haven’t kissed. &i don’t know if they ever will. because at the end of the day, he lives in new york &she is in virginia. he says he is going to visit again, but i doubt he ever will. i’ve never met the guy, but she says i would like him. we’ll see. i have high standards for my friends. unrealistically high. it’s just so hard to see my two best friends with boys. they are like my sisters &i just want to beat anyone up that hurts them. let alone fucks them. neither of them like that &in my mind they will be virgins forever. as i drive home, i wish i had as high of standards as i do for them. &i wish i had the strength to beat up anyone who hurt me. &i wish i could be a virgin again. i am weak, but strong-willed

Comments: Read 12 or Add Your Own.

Monday, August 15th, 2005

Subject:	episode 2. honesty / mistrust
Time:	2:11 am.
Music:	came back for you - lil' kim.

this entry is concerning last monday. the entries for tuesday - sunday are going to be posted throughout the next few days.

i wake up to “pon de replay” on my cell phone &realize that its my nine o’clock wake-up call from ashley. it’s so early that i can’t even come up with a sarcastic remark about getting out of bed at this time.

friends

she picks me up around ten &we head towards school. i realize i will be making this routine trip daily in less than two weeks. then i realized i threw up in my mouth a little bit. we arrive at school &see all the familiar faces. i love how before school begins, you always hope you’re going to get a really hot new kid or someone is going to totally transform &look killer. well don’t get your hopes up. everyone looks the exact same& i realize why i only like about seventeen people at this school.

we do the hugs, the “oh my god! i’ve missed you so much!!” &the “how has your summer been!?” til we’re blue in the face. not because we want to, but because its polite. we enter the school. as we open the doors, all the terrible memories come rushing at us. well, who am i kidding? i actually like school. it’s structure. it’s familiar. it’s knowledge. it’s friends. i don’t see why people despise it so much. summer is like one largely extended weekend where the days flow together like jelly. with weekends, you have to fit all the fun you can have in two days &nights. but we’re going to keep this whole liking school business between us.

we go to the registrar’s room &we both change our schedules. ashley adds strength training so she can get credit after dropping field hockey to her coach’s disdain. i drop deconstructing gender &myth in the modern world for physics. &then we are shocked to hear that another one of our comrades has fallen.

“did you hear the great news?!” ali comes into the room shouting. melissa carrithers was leaving &going to public school. when kelley, alex, jessica &ali couldn’t contain their excitement leaving ashley &i bewildered. “wasn’t she like one of your best friends?” we asked them in confusion. “no we fucking hated that bitch!” they replied in unison like we should have known. we don’t fucking keep up with people like this. i always thought melissa was really nice &quiet. but whatever, i love finding things out like this. it’s like reading about michelle tractenburg being involved in a gangbang or jonathan lipnicki being jailed for attempted murder. melissa had been dating stephen for a year &had ditched her friends in the process. she had to hide it from her parents because it was biracial. &throughout their relationship, he was very controlling. he told her she couldn’t eat &shit like that. if he wasn’t large &black, i could have kicked his ass after hearing that. guys: treat women with respect &don’t ever think that you are superior towards them. girls: don’t let men control your life or your friends, because both are a terrible thing to waste.

after hra, ashley dropped me back at home &i lounged around for a bit. i missed my court date for getting my license, so i have to renew my temporary license. my mom picks me up &we go to get lunch before the dmv. we eat indian food at nawab.

family

“i can’t fucking wait to graduate,” i say with apathy towards virginia. “enjoy high school, it’s the last of your carefree youth.” replies my mother. pull the string &get a cliché. “well if its my carefree youth, why the fuck can’t i drink.” “because its not right &i don’t want you to drink and drive.” “we’re not fucking stupid, do you realize why everyone was spending the night on ashley &airen’s birthday, shannon’s birthday &my birthday &all those other nights.” “you all were drinking!?” replied my mother in disbelief. “what the fuck do you think we do on our weekends? play board games? i’m seventeen years old. &no its not legal nor is it right, but we are seniors in high school and we’re going to do it anyway whether you fucking like it or not.” she doesn’t respond &we finish our naan &curry without a sound

we leave the restaurant &head towards the dmv. “well, i just worry about y’all sometimes &i want y’all be to safe.” my mom says as she breaks the silence. “i understand &i’m sorry you had to find my beer.” “well thank you for the apology, alex.” maybe she will give me my fucking beer back now. i paid ten damn dollars for that shit.

flashback to the worst birthday of my life. my mother promised me that i could took my friends out on her credit card for dinner. but when the time came around, she was out of town &i was stuck with an empty promise to my friends. our plans started out at the melting pot. a fondue restaurant. airen described fondue as ordering lots of food &dipping it in cheese. i don’t understand rich people &their customs. but it sounded high class &expensive, so i might as well try it. after the credit card fiasco, we downgraded to a hibachi grill called nara of japan. everyone got mad that they had to pay for their meal, so we continued to go downhill &we decided to go to plaza azteca, a mexican restaurant, anyway. but ashley &airen didn’t like the food there so we go to outback instead. &whose birthday is this again? throughout the day, people were yelling at each other about plans. there was a point where i went over to sarah’s house to smoke &then started crying when ashley was yelling at me. dinner at the outback was acceptable. laura &ashley were together which annoyed sarah &ashley continued to yell at me because my cheese fries were too close to her. the fun didn’t stop there. we arrive at the house with high hopes of getting shitfaced like birthday parties prior to mine. we had several people planned to come over, including the bmx-ers, michael &some hra people &david &some hampton friends. sarah &i smoke another birthday bowl. pot is one of the only things that made me happy that day. i think i do too many drugs.

airen, sarah &i before outback.

sarah, airen, tommy &i pull up to my driveway, the same driveway that served as host to so many successful parties beforehand. yet, when we come into my house we are unpleasantly surprised. we open my refrigerator in my room expecting cases &bottles, but instead there is a note. “alex, this is unacceptable. you know the rules. see me immediately.” i went into her office only to be informed that i was getting my car taken away from me for three months. i ran back to my room &we brainstormed a plan of action. we were going to blame it on the guy that got us the beer, steven, because we didn’t really like him anyway.

flashback to when my mother found a garbage bag full of liquor &alcohol. it was clark. flashback to when my mother found a bag of pot in my room. it was zach. flashback to when my mother found two packets of cigarettes in my backpack. it was airen. taking responsibility is so five minutes ago.

&then the phone rings. its david &they’re at the house. perfect timing. i greet him &my friends at his car &inform them of the news. it’s a good icebreaker &we all have a good laugh. seeing him &hanging out with him makes me feel like its old times. its not. but i can pretend it is.

for awhile i forget about the shit load of trouble, i’m in. lacey, matt, virginia &their friends come over. &we all have a good, clean time watching laguna beach. after that, everyone realizes they have better things to do then not be drunk &leaves. meanwhile, i lay on my bed by myself celebrating my seventeenth in style. it’s my birthday &i will fucking cry if i want to.

we arrive at the department of motor vehicles. a fat man wears a wife beater. a little spanish boy crawls under all of our chairs. a seven year-old girl, holding a cell phone in one hand &her fake louie in the other, wears a tight shirt that says “don’t you wish…” which barely covers her body. a fat asian boy with a fauxhawk makes eyes at me. i take it all in. &then i throw up in my mouth.

after three hours of waiting, we are called up to renew my license. unfortunately, i have they have to throw away my permit, which sucked because i liked the picture on it &i had to take a new picture, which also sucked because i looked like shit. but i did get a personalized license plate. i decided to monogram my car and get my initials, abw, &it should arrive in sixty to ninety business days.

on the way back home, my mom start talking about graduation. each graduate is allotted six seats. we began to plan who would be sitting in those seats when may 26th came alonge. muf muh, pow pow, my dad, my mom &my sister were obvious choices. the final seat caused some trouble. “i asked paul if he wanted to go to your graduation,” my mom said. “he said he would only go for me. but graduation isn’t about me, it’s about you, so screw him.” i was so relieved my stepass didn’t have to go to my graduation &i could invite someone that was of to importance to my life. on that note, 288 days til graduation.

when i arrived home, my phone began to vibrate. it was my schedule. “pregnancy test.” the phone fell off the table as it shook. it made only a slight noise, but mentally it was like an avalanche. i don’t want to take this chance that people find this, so to find out what happens click here. you must be a friend to see it.

although, it would make this journal really intriguing if i was the possible father of a child, its not the case. one of my best friends hasn’t had her period in over a month &lately she’s been getting sick. yet, lord knows with how much she drinks &smokes, the baby is dead. or at least retarded.

friends

flashback to the day she told me she might be pregnant. it took a few minutes before it settled in. this doesn’t happen to us. this happens to kids on the maury show. “so who’s the father?” i replied. she didn’t know. make that ricki lake. we went to food lion &stole a pregnancy test. she proceeded to take it in the bathroom there. it was three minutes til the results were revealed. if it turned out to be positive, it would change everyone’s life. no one could ever find out. two and a half minutes. if her parents found out, she wouldn’t see the light of day. if her friends found out, it would be around the city in five seconds &she wouldn’t want to see the light of day. two minutes. could she get an abortion? one and a half minutes. where could she get it done especially since she’s underage? one minute. maybe if i pushed her down the stairs, the baby would die. thirty seconds. or maybe it’s a gift. maybe god wants her to have the child &it would be a blessing to everyone. time’s up. negative. we ran out of the grocery store not looking back. we drove away not looking back. we drove past a girl’s house we didn’t like &threw into her driveway not looking back. if this was any proper dramedy, the moment the pregnancy test landed in the driveway, the second line would appear proving it positive. we can only find out.

i went to her house with the pregnancy test hidden in my pocket. “hey alex!” said her mother. i smiled &waved. the same mom that i play scattegories with &drove me to school all throughout sixth to tenth grade could now be a grandmother in five minutes. she’ll never know. i went up to her room. we only had fifteen minutes since i had to be at work. we talked for a bit &then we went into the bathroom to take it. three minutes seemed like three hours. negative. we both took a collective sigh of relief. &then we smoked some pot in celebration before i headed off to my job. i am such a professional.

work

i reluctantly go to work at a&n. but i’m sure this is my last day on the job.

flashback to the morning. it’s around 8 o’clock so i’m still not awake when the phone rings. “hello,” i groggily answer whoever is on the other line. “hey! this is lisa from a&n &i was just calling you because we were wondering why you charged a pair of fifty-five dollar shoes for twenty dollars.” oopsies. i barely know how to operate the cash register so for me to change the price is nearly impossible. if they fire me over this, i will be… well, i really won’t care at all.

i arrive at work like nothing has happened. dammit. a&n is a clothing store. but it’s no abercrombie, hollister or american eagle. you would probably find us in the same shopping center as dress barn, kohls, value city &tj maxx. you probably wouldn’t find the latest styles at the store, but i could get you a killer discount on camo &denim overalls. even if i wanted to get anything from this store, i couldn’t because the smallest size they carry is a large. haute coutre is not our target audience. we cater to the baggy jeans &jersey wearing folks. &prisoners.

it has its pros though. my friend sarah works there, which was my reason for applying. the hours are good. it closes around seven to eight, so i can still go out at night. &i will have retail experience so getting a job in college will be easier. &did i mention the camo?

it’s shipment day, so we spend the majority of the day hanging up clothes. hell, it beats making subs. i have to arrange shoe boxes, but all the shoe boxes are up high. so i have to do it with a wobbly ladder. fuck, it still beats asking “do you want lettuce, tomatoes, onions &our special sauce on that?” &sarah &i make a fun, new game where you try to fold a lava lamp as long as possible. sarah made it to thirteen seconds before the boss came in. after vacuuming, sweeping &windexing the windows, we close down.

friends

after work, sarah &i eat dinner at plaza azteca. i walk in &some guy yells “YEAH!” to me, but i don’t know who it is so i just walk away. we chow away on nachos, enchiladas, quesadillas (&if you pronounce it like napoleon dynamite, you are banned from my journal) &tacos. we leave the restaurant, but not before the people there ask what our names are because we eat there so often. we get really excited because we’ve always wanted to be a “regular” somewhere. it can be like mexican cheers!

sarah &i.

sarah &i go our ways &i go to my other friend named sarah’s house. we smoke pot &watch laguna beach &sweet sixteen. i am less than thrilled with this new season of laguna beach. i’ll take lo &trey any day over jessica &jason. who the fuck do they think they are? sweet sixteen gets me so heated, i can barely talk about it. it’s the only television show that i get actively angry over. i can not believe the parents that spawn these children. learn to fucking discipline before your child ends up a meth-head. because you will be the one that shamefully checks them into rehab. now let me get off my damn soap box before i kill a bitch. oh &by the way, sophie: you are fat, ugly, a spoiled brat &your birthday party was really gay.

love. or lack thereof.

i go back to my house &get on the computer. i im david &we talk for a bit. the previous night i had a bit of a stomach ache &he told me “you are weak! maybe jose [cuervo] &you are meant to be.’ i challenge him to a rematch &that we should hang out. he say “maybe.” there is a long pause between us. &it’s at that random point i realize that i am completely over him. you can mention his name to me &my heart won’t sink. it won’t skip. my heart is indifferent towards his name. it’s taken over a year. but for some reason, i have closure. i say “goodbye david.” i ex out of our conversation &any feelings i may have had for him. my cuts are gone, but my wounds are still bleeding.

Comments: Read 16 or Add Your Own.

Sunday, August 14th, 2005

Subject:	episode 1. lethargic / animated
Time:	11:49 pm.
Music:	everybody's gotta learn sometimes - beck.

my wall-sized window looks like a beautiful mural during the sunrise. the sun springs from the water like salmon slowly going up stream. i’m asleep. the sun extends above smithfield shining its 100-plus degrees waves into the james river. i’m asleep. my mom makes a hearty breakfast of sausage, eggs &wheat toast. i’m asleep. this is what summer is all about. i’m awake.

i wake around twelve o’clock to a saran-wrapped breakfast, now turned lunch. i browse the concert listings while chewing on some patty sausage. buy me tickets to the following:

- august 25th – 311 with unwritten law. shannon’s uncle is friends with nick hexum, the lead singer of 311. she managed to get front row tickets for us last year, in addition to back stage passes to meet the talented artist himself. hopefully nepotism pulls through again.
- september 3rd - the beach boys. my aunt was engaged to the lead singer of the beach boys, mike love, before she died. every time they come into town, he gives us a call &we have dinner &go backstage. he is kind of a dirty old man. my sister once said she had a sore throat &he told her cum is a good medication for that. oh well, i’m still looking to have fun, fun, fun before daddy takes the t-bird away this labor day
- september 9th - badfish. a sublime cover band
- september 15th - the juliana theory.
- september 29th - coldplay with rilo kiley
- october 6th - keller williams. i am dying to flow.
- october 14th - fall out boy.
- october 22nd - the bravery.
- november 5th – thrice
- november 8th - elton john.
- november 17th - the matchbook romance
- november 20th - hawthorne heights.
- december 14th - saves the day

i go back to my room &get on the computer. i’m feeling lazy as shit but my heart jumps as david ims me.

love. or lack thereof.

names have been changed to protect ~~the innocent~~. the guilty.

it all began one broken-hearted vengeful girl. she had been dumped by her longtime boyfriend &was looking for the fastest &closest rebound. she invited me to the mall with her friends. they were from public schools. raised in private school all my life, the elitists i attended school with avoided these type like the plague &would speak of them like they were of a different species. they weren’t so bad. especially him.

to tell you the truth, i didn’t think much of him at first. but then he imed me. it was intellectual intercourse. we could talk for hours at a time. about anything &everything. but one problem. i had a boyfriend, andrew.

yet, the more andrew &i dated, the more i knew that he wasn’t right for me. sure i got a c+ in honors chemistry, but i know when its there or not. &it was so far from chemistry, it was physics. no. it was fucking environmental science. geology. whatever.

as i began to hang out more &more with david, i could see the potential in that relationship over my current one. despite my constant attempted flick of the lighter, i knew that my fire with andrew was well past its due date. it was time to put it out.

two days after i broke up with andrew, david &i started dating. some say it was a little fast, but to me it felt like david &i had been dating for awhile prior to the official dating. just with no cuddling or making out. in fact, one time in bed i accidentally shouted out david instead of andrew.

our first night together we spent with lacey &matt. we went to see mean girls at the movies, went to the talent show at my school &ended things at my house. during kill bill, matt &lacey were on top of each other on a seat, while david was sprawled on the coach and i was sitting in a chair next to it. he turned his head to me.

“are you really going to sit there the entire movie?” he quietly said as he patted the cushion. i slowly got up and laid down with him. our bodies interlocked like keys in a locket. he spent the night. while matt was asleep inches from us, he pulled me down from my bed onto his makeshift cot on the floor. we laid together for what seemed like hours. &then our lips grazed each other with uncertain awkwardness. we both knew what was coming. our lips locked &it was amazing. we made out til five in the morning. it was the best i’ve ever had. except when he licked my face like a dog. now, that was a little weird. i swear i have some of the strangest encounters. skylar drilled his tongue in &out of my ear when we first kissed. you’re a tongue, not a fucking q-tip. &it took andrew half an hour to figure out where the penis went when you fuck. but nevertheless david &i were great together. despite all the shit i went through leading up to this, i would have repeated it again. it was that good.

for several weeks, we spent each night on the phone together, saw each other as much as possible &had one more sleepover. he came over &we put in kill bill again, because i had so much trouble watching it the first time because i was so focused on him. but he ended up just falling asleep in my arms &i couldn’t take my eyes off him. later that night, he gave me head. it was rough, but i liked it. that morning, i made him breakfast &he fell asleep in my arms again. despite the happiness, one thing was looming over both of us. the summer.

that summer i was scheduled to spend three weeks in seattle with my father, as well as another week in california with outward bound. he was scheduled to be with his family for three weeks in california. timing is everything. timing is nothing. timing is a motherfucking bitch.

the night before i left we ate dinner at the olive garden &returned to dallas’ house. i couldn’t keep my hands of him. i knew how much i was going to miss him &i wanted to savor his touch. before he left, i gave him the cliché mix cd with all of our songs on them. we had our goodbye kiss &then each time he left, he kept coming back for one last kiss. who knew that would actually be our last kiss.

we were young &believed that not seeing each other for a month would have no effect on our relationship. we went into our long distance relationship with no worries. &at the beginning there was nothing to be worried about. we had conversations for hours. his voice would hypnotize me, while i walked along the sandy beach of edmonds, washington. who knew that his soothing voice would be the one that would soon hurt me.

we both came back from our respective trips. i noticed a change in him. he wasn’t the same person he left as. i was ready to start things again, but wasn’t. for the second time, i was broken up with online. he said he didn’t have the same feeling for me while he was in california. he said he didn’t miss me like he was supposed to miss a boyfriend. he said he wanted to be friends. with each beep of an incoming instant message was another proverbial punch to my stomach.

if i had to pick my closest thing to my first love, it would be him. i had a lot of trouble getting over him. in fact, it wasn’t until i blocked him out of my memory, my phone &my computer when i gained closure. or so i thought.

this summer, i saw him at my friend’s birthday party. later that night, he &i hung out &watched movies with some friends. later that night, he &i talked online for hours. it was like old times. &all the feelings i thought i had left behind returned like a haunting ghost. he &i have talked steadily throughout the summer so far. &i’m seeing why i liked him in the first place. &i’m falling back for him. it is uncertain if he reciprocates the same feelings, but what i need now is certainty. i need to know if there is any chance in us getting back together. i need to know if there is any hope for the two of us. if not, i need to make a clean break from him &lose him from my world completely.

out of sight, out of mind.

david &i talk for about an hour. i admire him so much. he throws around applying to colleges like princeton, columbia &new york university like its nothing. whereas i have trouble getting into james madison university. the only thing keeping him from his dream institutes is money. if i could pay for his college i would, because i know with the right resources he will become incredibly successful. hell, with the wrong resources i know he will still make an incredible name for himself.

school

we both go on to do some summer reading. i finally get to page seventy out of four hundred twenty in cold mountain. it’s not so bad. i love hearing the individual stories of characters in the war, because when we learn about it in history, the people involved are all so generalized. moreover, the civil war is incredibly fascinating. you hear about countries torn apart by a broken government these days &pity them because for the most part our country is incredibly united. but less than two hundred years ago, our country was split in two. don’t worry iraq, it happens to the best of us.

the fun doesn’t stop at cold mountain. i still have to read the odyssey &compare the two in a four to five page paper. &then i have to read one more book. if you would like to write this paper for me, i will do you.

work.

i rummage through my closet for my work uniform. on the ground crumpled up, i see a yellow shirt with a giant sub on it. the giant sub was wheels on it &is captioned with “the subway station.” this is my worst nightmare.

i step out of my car &put on my orange trucker hat. it says “our subs are sub-perbly delicious.” despite the wittiness of our slogan, as i place the cap on my head, i watch my dignity go to pieces. today, i have the five thirty to eight shift. it’s not long, but it’s still more than enough time making sandwiches named after new york landmarks. in virginia.

one thing has always blown my mind. people make their living doing this. for years, they make sandwich after sandwich. one woman has been working for the subway station longer than i’ve been alive. she came to here after scotland &has been working at the subway station for over twenty years. i’m pretty sure she learned english here. &i think she has a reserved grave plot in the front of the building as well. but who am i to pass judgment on these people. they are humans like all of us &the fact they are making an honest living is respectable.

as much as i despise my job, i am not above it. i think its important to work a job like this. it teaches children the value of hard work &i think every parents should force their child to get a job. it builds character &shows you what the real world is like. for every dollar earned, it is a sandwich made. a steak ungreased. a sale rung up. it’s hard work. so realize this before you take off with mom’s credit card.

fifteen minutes before i leave, i have the pleasure of ringing up the orders for about six seniors that went to my school. every single day, without fail, someone from my school walks into the restaurant. &if i like you, i might put extra meat in your sub.

friends

after work, i go back home &change to go over to ashley &airen’s house. over at their house, i finally see airen after five days of separation from her. ashley &i finish closer &decide to go swimming. tommy &airen got a sea turtle float on their trip to the beach, so we play on that for awhile. afterwards, the two of us go to taco bell. i ordered two chalupas &a hard taco. oh &a side order of alex, you are a huge fatass. we arrive back to their house to see airen playing with sparklers &tommy taking pictures of them. they are the weirdest couple.

we chow down our meal &talk about how we love nights like this. while its nice to get dressed up &go out, its never as much fun as days in our pajamas laying around the house watching movies &enjoying each others companies. &also the effects of alcohol &drugs.

ashley &i continue to talk about the fun to be had in hampton roads. we always have fun at donnelly’s house, so we’re excited that he gets back soon. i’ve also never had a dull time at a concert. you can never go wrong with smoking lots of pot, drinking lots of captain morgan &just jamming to the flow.

speaking of, we decided to go to the pool house &browse the liquor cabinet. we come across some jose cuervo &pour some into our diet cokes. we sip on those, while we listen to music &stalk people on myspace. by the way, i recommend that everyone downloads “the hump song” by the black eyed peas. it is a masterpiece.

play “these boots are made for walking” &as i do my dance to it, my shorts fall off. so we decide to go swimming. i wanted to see if i could walk on water like jesus. but unfortunately i am not the next messiah. we continue to splash around &be our intoxicated selves. we also play a round of the spinny game.

spinny game – go to a pool. jump in. go to a part of the water where your feet touch the ground but your head &shoulders are above water level. look up at one point in the sky. spin around for about sixty seconds. dunk underwater. it’s the equivelant of being fucked up. try for yourself.

ashley &i wake up their parents, so we quiet down &i take a break from the alcohol before i drive myself home. the entire way there i have a giant smile on my face. i know that whether or not things work out relationship-wise, i am always in the hands of some great friends. &my other boyfriends, jose cuervo &captain morgan. i am sober, but drunk.

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Saturday, August 13th, 2005

Subject:	pilot. first / last
Time:	11:24 pm.
Music:	by your side - coco rosie.

this show breaks clichés. it’s a saturday night. no giant keggers. no dynamic concerts. & definitely no romantic dates. so what better time for a flashback into my life.

july 15th marks my one year. my one year for being single. no relationships. no boyfriends. not even a fling. no kissing, no cuddling. no sex. no blowjobs. no handjobs. the last job i’ve had involved selling reeboks to a woman missing one of her teeth. i have been unintentionally celibate for a year. i think they might make awards for that. or at least ribbons.

it all began with one picture. the picture that was given to my friend. my friend who put it on her dresser. her dresser which the boy saw. the boy who talked to a girl. the girl who gave him my screenname. my screenname which he imed later. funny how things happen like that.

names have been changed to protect ~~the innocent~~. the guilty.

skylar introduced himself as a “nice guy who thought i was very hot. he was bisexual &he didn’t know what i was but just wanted to chat nevertheless.” i was not used to this ¬ very comfortable with the idea of people hitting on me. i blew him off that night &went on with my routine. but boy was he persistent. he imed me the next day &as i began talking to him, i started to be open with him &he was actually the first person i told was gay. he then began to be the first person for a lot of things. we began to talk everyday. texting. phone. online. then the grand meeting. he& the girl that i took the picture with took me to the mall. he was cute. a little gay. but cute. then he asked me out.

let me flashback to when i was in 8th grade &incredibly overweight. when i asked a girl out in 7th grade& she politely declined. when i had to get all my shorts &pants in husky &rotund all throughout elementary school. yeah. i was that fat asian kid with the bowl haircut. don’t seem so surprised.

things were finally coming full circle for me &i was quite happy with this kid. until my mom found a set of our dirty text message &she picked 5 am to confront me about this. in my barely awake mumble, i told her i was gay. she dealt &i continued to see skylar.

that night he came over &we talked. then we kissed. my first kiss. a little sloppy, a little messy &a little more tongue than i desired. he said i was one of the best kissers he has been with. then he did this thing where he licked my ear &i was putty. we spooned. my first cuddle. we made easy mac &watched pirates of the Caribbean. or at least tried to since we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. we went back to my bed &it was so overwhelming being intimate with someone. i didn’t want it to end. i wanted to do all the things that my insecure adolescence deprived me of. he put his hands down my pants. i put my hands down his pants. i took out his penis and began kissing down his chest. and then. my mother walked in.

it was the most awkward moment of my life to say the least. hello mom. this is my boyfriend. &this is his penis. she was in utter shock that her little boy would be involved in such illicit activities. she proceeds to give us a speech about respecting the house. afterwards we go back to my room. to do what else? mess around some more.

all through out the night, he keeps professing that he likes me. it starts out as ‘i like you a lot alex” until it progresses to “i really really really really really like you.” i don’t know how to respond to this. the only relationships i am familiar with are the ones in tv &movies. so this is the part where one of us commits suicide &the other follows in an act of love, i turn back into a servant abused by his stepsiblings, or a giant asteroid hits the earth &we are the only survivors. none of the above happened, so i went for the next option. i love you. well, nevermind. this is the equivalent of that asteroid. the minute i said those words, i knew i didn’t mean it &i had made a huge mistake. but i was a rookie after all. he responds with “i love you too.” the minute he said those words, i knew he didn’t mean it &it was all a big mess. this started out as a dream &was blurring into a nightmare.

beep beep beep. countdown to destruction will now proceed. beep beep beep.

maybe the next day, he would forget what i had said. maybe i could pass it off as just an incoherent mumble. “i love you? no, i mean olive juice. i get huge cravings sometimes.” no, that won’t work. well the next day, he left his movie and wallet at my house. he sneaked in a quick kiss before he had to flee off to do errands &everything seemed okay. i knew otherwise.

it was a blurry sunday when the relationship between skylar &i began to fade away. he cancelled on me for the third time in four days, because he partied a little too hardy the previous night &his mother wouldn’t let him go out. that afternoon the bomb was dropped.

“so i was thinking, since its hard for me to get down there—why don’t we just be unofficial… like were still dating but not with the title… because if i’m not gonna see you that often, its gonna suck and were not gonna feel like were boyfriends but i really like you &i really wanna keep going out &you’re to sweet to dump.”

my perforated heart was slowly being ripped apart. he couldn’t even break up with me properly. he did it online. his reasoning was clearly bullshit. but this coward still took over my thoughts. i checked my phone every ten seconds to see if he sent me a message. nope. none. every day, more and more, i missed him. we only spent one night together, but it was amazing &we both agreed. every night, when i laid in bed, i kept thinking about that amazing night we spent in the same place a few weeks earlier. i missed it. i missed all the sweet names he’d call me. i missed his good morning texts. i missed talking on the phone with him. i missed having my initials highlighted in his profile. another first. my first heartbreak.

the good thing about heartbreak is that you learn. if i wanted to bat with the big leagues, i had to leave these rookie mistakes behind. you don’t fuck around with the thought of love, until the time is right. &you don’t attach yourself to a person too quickly. the healing process is synonymous with the learning process. these relationships may be over, but its my job to carry on the lessons learned from them and better the next one. i’m over skylar now, but he helped shape who i am today &who i was with andrew &david. but that’s for another lonely saturday night.

friends

this saturday night isn’t all in vain. sarah picks me up to get pictures from walmart. she packs up the bowl and we smoke some pot on the way there. these memories are what i’ll remember from high school. if i even have a short term memory in the next few years. driving around with my best friends smoking up in the car.

we go to hollywood video to pick up a video to watch at ashley &airens house. the minute we enter we see amy rosenbaum’s mother &we run the opposite direction. the coast is clear and we browse the aisles. do you ever wonder if people are like ‘hey! let’s totally watch passion of the christ!” as much as a super fun movie night of passion of the christ, hotel rwanda &schiendler’s list sounded appealing, we opted for closer. guess who was out of stock, so we made sure to get a coupon to get it free on our next visit. i am rich, but thrifty.

we smoke on the way to ashley &airens house. the munchies settle in &we decide to order a pizza. upon arrival, ashley informs us that airen is not to be bothered as she is sleeping after a long weekend at the beach with her boyfriend. while her parents are drunk off their asses in the backyard, we settle down for a pajamas/look like shit movie night.

closer is a fascinating take on love. while hearing julia roberts say jude law came on her face &natalie portman saying her cunt tastes like heaven is awkward, the movie is refreshing. it asks a lot of questions. do you really need to know everything in a relationship or is ignorance bliss? is settling for someone simpler than giving into true love? is there any such thing as true love? while it is clearly a conversational drama, it puts your brain into motion. &it made me forget about my problems because as much as your love life seems fucked up, hollywood always manages to one-up you.

on the way back, we smoke a final bowl &we debate over the lyrics of a bright eyes song. debate for yourself.

“we used to roll the windows down
&play the music loud
smoking out in her car
watching what / a lesson of what / ????? stole my heart
& we’d get drunk &kiss.”

our conversation flows into nostalgia. we speak of our fallen comrades that have left us since we’ve started in 6th grade. there’s holden. the boy that you would forget existed but had a heart of gold. catherine. the girl with the quintessential ghetto booty. michael. the boy that got expelled for kicking the shit out of someone. mycah. the girl with the lesbian parents. helen &kristen. the girls that tried to convert everyone into christians. the list goes well into the double digits. we speak of our memories carpooling in the sixth grade. throwing sprite cans at bikers. seeing who could open their door the farthest while driving in the street. as we pull into the driveway, we speak of pushing ben off the pier into the water during the winter. dressing up in fat suits &rolling down the hill. so maybe my adolescence wasn’t as wasted as i thought it was. nope. not at all. i am seventeen, but twelve years old.

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