episode 1. lethargic / animated

my wall-sized window looks like a beautiful mural during the sunrise. the sun springs from the water like salmon slowly going up stream. i’m asleep. the sun extends above smithfield shining its 100-plus degrees waves into the james river. i’m asleep. my mom makes a hearty breakfast of sausage, eggs &wheat toast. i’m asleep. this is what summer is all about. i’m awake.

i wake around twelve o’clock to a saran-wrapped breakfast, now turned lunch. i browse the concert listings while chewing on some patty sausage. buy me tickets to the following:

- august 25th – 311 with unwritten law. shannon’s uncle is friends with nick hexum, the lead singer of 311. she managed to get front row tickets for us last year, in addition to back stage passes to meet the talented artist himself. hopefully nepotism pulls through again.
- september 3rd - the beach boys. my aunt was engaged to the lead singer of the beach boys, mike love, before she died. every time they come into town, he gives us a call &we have dinner &go backstage. he is kind of a dirty old man. my sister once said she had a sore throat &he told her cum is a good medication for that. oh well, i’m still looking to have fun, fun, fun before daddy takes the t-bird away this labor day
- september 9th - badfish. a sublime cover band
- september 15th - the juliana theory.
- september 29th - coldplay with rilo kiley
- october 6th - keller williams. i am dying to flow.
- october 14th - fall out boy.
- october 22nd - the bravery.
- november 5th – thrice
- november 8th - elton john.
- november 17th - the matchbook romance
- november 20th - hawthorne heights.
- december 14th - saves the day

i go back to my room &get on the computer. i’m feeling lazy as shit but my heart jumps as david ims me.

love. or lack thereof.

names have been changed to protect the innocent. the guilty.

it all began one broken-hearted vengeful girl. she had been dumped by her longtime boyfriend &was looking for the fastest &closest rebound. she invited me to the mall with her friends. they were from public schools. raised in private school all my life, the elitists i attended school with avoided these type like the plague &would speak of them like they were of a different species. they weren’t so bad. especially him.

to tell you the truth, i didn’t think much of him at first. but then he imed me. it was intellectual intercourse. we could talk for hours at a time. about anything &everything. but one problem. i had a boyfriend, andrew.

yet, the more andrew &i dated, the more i knew that he wasn’t right for me. sure i got a c+ in honors chemistry, but i know when its there or not. &it was so far from chemistry, it was physics. no. it was fucking environmental science. geology. whatever.

as i began to hang out more &more with david, i could see the potential in that relationship over my current one. despite my constant attempted flick of the lighter, i knew that my fire with andrew was well past its due date. it was time to put it out.

two days after i broke up with andrew, david &i started dating. some say it was a little fast, but to me it felt like david &i had been dating for awhile prior to the official dating. just with no cuddling or making out. in fact, one time in bed i accidentally shouted out david instead of andrew.

our first night together we spent with lacey &matt. we went to see mean girls at the movies, went to the talent show at my school &ended things at my house. during kill bill, matt &lacey were on top of each other on a seat, while david was sprawled on the coach and i was sitting in a chair next to it. he turned his head to me.

“are you really going to sit there the entire movie?” he quietly said as he patted the cushion. i slowly got up and laid down with him. our bodies interlocked like keys in a locket. he spent the night. while matt was asleep inches from us, he pulled me down from my bed onto his makeshift cot on the floor. we laid together for what seemed like hours. &then our lips grazed each other with uncertain awkwardness. we both knew what was coming. our lips locked &it was amazing. we made out til five in the morning. it was the best i’ve ever had. except when he licked my face like a dog. now, that was a little weird. i swear i have some of the strangest encounters. skylar drilled his tongue in &out of my ear when we first kissed. you’re a tongue, not a fucking q-tip. &it took andrew half an hour to figure out where the penis went when you fuck. but nevertheless david &i were great together. despite all the shit i went through leading up to this, i would have repeated it again. it was that good.

for several weeks, we spent each night on the phone together, saw each other as much as possible &had one more sleepover. he came over &we put in kill bill again, because i had so much trouble watching it the first time because i was so focused on him. but he ended up just falling asleep in my arms &i couldn’t take my eyes off him. later that night, he gave me head. it was rough, but i liked it. that morning, i made him breakfast &he fell asleep in my arms again. despite the happiness, one thing was looming over both of us. the summer.

that summer i was scheduled to spend three weeks in seattle with my father, as well as another week in california with outward bound. he was scheduled to be with his family for three weeks in california. timing is everything. timing is nothing. timing is a motherfucking bitch.

the night before i left we ate dinner at the olive garden &returned to dallas’ house. i couldn’t keep my hands of him. i knew how much i was going to miss him &i wanted to savor his touch. before he left, i gave him the cliché mix cd with all of our songs on them. we had our goodbye kiss &then each time he left, he kept coming back for one last kiss. who knew that would actually be our last kiss.

we were young &believed that not seeing each other for a month would have no effect on our relationship. we went into our long distance relationship with no worries. &at the beginning there was nothing to be worried about. we had conversations for hours. his voice would hypnotize me, while i walked along the sandy beach of edmonds, washington. who knew that his soothing voice would be the one that would soon hurt me.

we both came back from our respective trips. i noticed a change in him. he wasn’t the same person he left as. i was ready to start things again, but wasn’t. for the second time, i was broken up with online. he said he didn’t have the same feeling for me while he was in california. he said he didn’t miss me like he was supposed to miss a boyfriend. he said he wanted to be friends. with each beep of an incoming instant message was another proverbial punch to my stomach.

if i had to pick my closest thing to my first love, it would be him. i had a lot of trouble getting over him. in fact, it wasn’t until i blocked him out of my memory, my phone &my computer when i gained closure. or so i thought.

this summer, i saw him at my friend’s birthday party. later that night, he &i hung out &watched movies with some friends. later that night, he &i talked online for hours. it was like old times. &all the feelings i thought i had left behind returned like a haunting ghost. he &i have talked steadily throughout the summer so far. &i’m seeing why i liked him in the first place. &i’m falling back for him. it is uncertain if he reciprocates the same feelings, but what i need now is certainty. i need to know if there is any chance in us getting back together. i need to know if there is any hope for the two of us. if not, i need to make a clean break from him &lose him from my world completely.

out of sight, out of mind.

david &i talk for about an hour. i admire him so much. he throws around applying to colleges like princeton, columbia &new york university like its nothing. whereas i have trouble getting into james madison university. the only thing keeping him from his dream institutes is money. if i could pay for his college i would, because i know with the right resources he will become incredibly successful. hell, with the wrong resources i know he will still make an incredible name for himself.

school

we both go on to do some summer reading. i finally get to page seventy out of four hundred twenty in cold mountain. it’s not so bad. i love hearing the individual stories of characters in the war, because when we learn about it in history, the people involved are all so generalized. moreover, the civil war is incredibly fascinating. you hear about countries torn apart by a broken government these days &pity them because for the most part our country is incredibly united. but less than two hundred years ago, our country was split in two. don’t worry iraq, it happens to the best of us.

the fun doesn’t stop at cold mountain. i still have to read the odyssey &compare the two in a four to five page paper. &then i have to read one more book. if you would like to write this paper for me, i will do you.

work.

i rummage through my closet for my work uniform. on the ground crumpled up, i see a yellow shirt with a giant sub on it. the giant sub was wheels on it &is captioned with “the subway station.” this is my worst nightmare.

i step out of my car &put on my orange trucker hat. it says “our subs are sub-perbly delicious.” despite the wittiness of our slogan, as i place the cap on my head, i watch my dignity go to pieces. today, i have the five thirty to eight shift. it’s not long, but it’s still more than enough time making sandwiches named after new york landmarks. in virginia.

one thing has always blown my mind. people make their living doing this. for years, they make sandwich after sandwich. one woman has been working for the subway station longer than i’ve been alive. she came to here after scotland &has been working at the subway station for over twenty years. i’m pretty sure she learned english here. &i think she has a reserved grave plot in the front of the building as well. but who am i to pass judgment on these people. they are humans like all of us &the fact they are making an honest living is respectable.

as much as i despise my job, i am not above it. i think its important to work a job like this. it teaches children the value of hard work &i think every parents should force their child to get a job. it builds character &shows you what the real world is like. for every dollar earned, it is a sandwich made. a steak ungreased. a sale rung up. it’s hard work. so realize this before you take off with mom’s credit card.

fifteen minutes before i leave, i have the pleasure of ringing up the orders for about six seniors that went to my school. every single day, without fail, someone from my school walks into the restaurant. &if i like you, i might put extra meat in your sub.

friends

after work, i go back home &change to go over to ashley &airen’s house. over at their house, i finally see airen after five days of separation from her. ashley &i finish closer &decide to go swimming. tommy &airen got a sea turtle float on their trip to the beach, so we play on that for awhile. afterwards, the two of us go to taco bell. i ordered two chalupas &a hard taco. oh &a side order of alex, you are a huge fatass. we arrive back to their house to see airen playing with sparklers &tommy taking pictures of them. they are the weirdest couple.

we chow down our meal &talk about how we love nights like this. while its nice to get dressed up &go out, its never as much fun as days in our pajamas laying around the house watching movies &enjoying each others companies. &also the effects of alcohol &drugs.



ashley &i continue to talk about the fun to be had in hampton roads. we always have fun at donnelly’s house, so we’re excited that he gets back soon. i’ve also never had a dull time at a concert. you can never go wrong with smoking lots of pot, drinking lots of captain morgan &just jamming to the flow.

speaking of, we decided to go to the pool house &browse the liquor cabinet. we come across some jose cuervo &pour some into our diet cokes. we sip on those, while we listen to music &stalk people on myspace. by the way, i recommend that everyone downloads “the hump song” by the black eyed peas. it is a masterpiece.

play “these boots are made for walking” &as i do my dance to it, my shorts fall off. so we decide to go swimming. i wanted to see if i could walk on water like jesus. but unfortunately i am not the next messiah. we continue to splash around &be our intoxicated selves. we also play a round of the spinny game.

spinny game – go to a pool. jump in. go to a part of the water where your feet touch the ground but your head &shoulders are above water level. look up at one point in the sky. spin around for about sixty seconds. dunk underwater. it’s the equivelant of being fucked up. try for yourself.

ashley &i wake up their parents, so we quiet down &i take a break from the alcohol before i drive myself home. the entire way there i have a giant smile on my face. i know that whether or not things work out relationship-wise, i am always in the hands of some great friends. &my other boyfriends, jose cuervo &captain morgan. i am sober, but drunk.